what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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