theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
