i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
