He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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