Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
