I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
