mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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