I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
