You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
