He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
you had me at cake vodka
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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