Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
