Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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