I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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