i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
