And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
