She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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