you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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