I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
