Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
