U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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