Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
