No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
