I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
