you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Liz is crying about burritos again.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
