If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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