Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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