I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
