I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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