she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
