So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
