They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
