Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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