I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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