Kiss
Puke
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
