woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
