i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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