hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
being pregnant is like rehab
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
