Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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