So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
