On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
