I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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