this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
