guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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