i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
