My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
