I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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