Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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