It's like God shit irony all over that family
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
