apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
