just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
